Embrace the Possibilities

Anxiety? Depression? Relationship issues?

How to Use Scripture to Stress Less

June 10, 2009 at 12:43 pm · Filed under anxiety and tagged:

breathing lessons

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Interview With the “Stress Master”

April 20, 2009 at 7:57 am · Filed under anxiety

Interview: What is Anxiety?
Click to listen now!

Dr. Debi Dr. Debi Smith Interviewer

Dr. Jennifer Dr. Jennifer Fee “Stress Master”

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The Power of the Mind Over Anxiety

April 13, 2009 at 2:45 pm · Filed under anxiety and tagged:

by Dr. Jennifer Fee

Thoughts are a powerful trigger for anxiety. Our cognitions can maintain, elevate, or lower our level of anxiety.  Today I would like to give you a few tips to help you identify thoughts that might be contributing to your anxiety, as well as show you how a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT) might help you to start to address those thoughts.

First, let me tell you about two clients, Jim* and Alice.  Like virtually all of my clients who suffer from panic attacks or high levels of anxiety, Jim was sharing with me how scary and terrible it is to experience his physical symptoms. “It’s like nothing else,” he stated, “my heart starts pounding, I’m out of breath, I’m lightheaded, I can’t stand the feelings!” I looked at Jim. He was an active 21-year-old college student. At this point in our therapy I did not know much about what he liked to do for fun, but on a hunch I asked, “Jim, do you like to ride roller coasters?“

He paused, and said, “Well, yes, actually I love roller coasters.” “What do you like about them?” I queried. Jim replied, “I like anticipation of going up a big hill. I love the speed and the quick turns.” “What are you feeling in your body as you’re going up the hill?” Jim grinned. He had already caught on to where I was going with the questions. “Well, my heart is pounding, I feel butterflies in my stomach.” “And how do you feel when you get off the roller coaster?” I continued. “Light-headed. It’s hard to walk. A little out of breath.“

“Basically you feel the same symptoms in your body while riding a roller coaster as when you are experiencing a panic attack while sitting on your sofa.” “But, it’s not the same!” Jim protested at first, “riding roller coasters is fun. Having a panic attack is not!“

Jim’s argument essentially made my point for me. His cognitive interpretation of riding roller coasters is that it is fun. His cognitive interpretation of a panic attack is that it is terrible.

For those of you who cannot fathom anyone believing that riding a roller coaster could be fun, I will tell you about Alice. Alice was an avid exerciser. Alice was also afraid of when she experienced anxiety that she would have a heart attack because her heart was beating fast. “Alice,” I asked, “Why do you run on the treadmill every morning?” Alice looked at me as if I had just asked a very dumb question. “Cardiovascular exercise is good for my heart,” she replied. “So you make your heart beat fast on purpose?” “Well, yes, of course.” “And that doesn’t scare you?”, I continued. “Of course not!” She replied, a little annoyed.

Again, same symptom but a different interpretation. One interpretation leads to panic, the other no panic.

Interpretation of thoughts is key for controlling anxiety.

Identifying Thoughts

In order to change your interpretation about anxiety, you must first have a lot of knowledge of what your thoughts are. Countless times I’ve asked people “What were you thinking when you started feeling anxious?” Countless times I’ve gotten the answer, “I don’t know.” It may sound amazing, but it is possible to have thoughts without being aware that we’re having thoughts. [read more]


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Communication Problems?

April 11, 2009 at 4:33 pm · Filed under communication, relationships and tagged: , ,

Quiz

Does he avoid talking about your relationship?
Does he usually withdraw and refuse to face an issue you need to talk about?
Do feel like you have to push him to get him talk about anything of importance?

    If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, don’t wait any longer!

    Don’t you wonder why so many women have the same complaints about men?
    Dr. Debi Smith believes it’s because very few women know the truth about men, much less how to go about having real, meaningful conversations with them.

    Most of us have been terribly misinformed. Dr. Smith is on a mission to change that!

    Learn From an Expert

    Dr. Debi Smith is a Clinical Psychologist, a University Professor with expertise in the Psychology of Men, and an experienced Couples Therapist. In this FREE eCourse, she provides essential information you need to have real, meaningful conversations with the man in your life. You’ll learn about . . .

    1. Six Conversation Killers and Why You Must Avoid Them
    2. The Four Styles of Intimate Communication
    3. How and When to Get Him Talking
    4. How to Win Him Over to Your Way of Thinking
    5. False Assumptions That Are Keeping Your Relationship Stuck

    Enroll in this FREE eCourse now!

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    A Breakdown in Communication

    April 10, 2009 at 4:34 pm · Filed under communication, relationships and tagged: ,

    by Dr. Debi Smith

    No, Mark and Cathy are not from different planets. However, their biological differences (nature) and the impact of their respective life experiences (nurture) have resulted in very different ways of communicating.

    It’s what you say that counts: Women were taught to talk openly about their feelings when they were little girls, so it’s not surprising that 80% of relationship issues are brought up by women. They often spent school recess sharing secrets with their “best” friend. Feeling close and being able to trust each other is the hallmark of female friendship.

    Virtually everything women say – no matter how confusing it might seem to their partners – is an attempt to find emotional connection. (Yes, they may often be extremely vague and indirect.) It’s what they were taught.

    It’s what you do that counts: Men learned a different way of developing friendships. As boys, they spent recess running around in “herds,” playing anything that meant lots of action, and trying to one-up each other. Don’t be a girl! Never let ‘em see ya sweat!

    It’s no wonder that when it comes to emotions, men sink and women swim. (I’ll share some more info on the nature of men in a future note. It’s information that just might surprise you both.)

    In fact, men often see female communication as “loaded.” At best, they may answer a question their partner didn’t ask. At worst, it evokes “relational dread,” which we’ll also talk about later, and they have no idea how to respond.

    Mark and Cathy faced many challenges. First, they didn’t understand the differences in how they viewed relationships, so they each thought the other was being unreasonable and bought into gender stereotypes. As a reuslt, they began a cycle of negative interactions that would be repeated thousands of times throughout the course of their marriage. Each time, the feelings behind their behaviors grew in intensity, and their problems escalated.

    When you and your partner are arguing, what emotions do you feel? Most feel anger or frustration, of course. But what’s behind your anger? Do you recall?
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    Mark’s Side of the Story

    April 10, 2009 at 12:04 pm · Filed under communication, relationships and tagged: ,

    by Dr. Debi Smith

    Mark’s experience was quite different than Cathy’s. (For Cathy’s side of the story, please read After the Honeymoon.) Although their honeymoon had been totally amazing, he was glad to be home from Paris. For years, one of his favorite end-of-the-day routines had been to grab a quick snack and head to the bedroom for some late-night TV. When his stomach was full and he’d wound down from the day, he’d flip off the TV and drift effortlessly to sleep.

    When Cathy came in that first night at home demanding that he turn off the television, he was confused. Her mood seemed to come out of nowhere, and he had no idea how to respond, so he tried to give her a minute to calm down. She didn’t. In fact, she got even more emotional. When she grabbed her pillow and left the bedroom, he thought she was acting crazy. He wondered how such a small issue had become such a big one for no apparent reason. He had absolutely no idea how to respond to this weirdness, so he froze. He expected that she would calm down and return in a minute or so to talk about it rationally. She didn’t.

    As the years went by, Mark continued to use the same strategy. Cathy’s feelings were so easy hurt, and she often got far more upset than was necessary. Each time he withdrew to give her some time to calm down, but it never worked. Instead of calming down, she would actually get more emotional the longer he was quiet. He couldn’t figure it out. How could she be so critical of him?

    Mark soon started spending more and more time at the office to avoid the inevitable blow ups. He especially enjoyed the company of his new assistant. She was fresh out of college and so excited to work for him. She had only good things to say, and he basked in the glow of her attention. Working late one evening, he asked her to dinner and things developed from there. He concluded that the problems in his marriage were Cathy’s fault, and that he would be much happier with his new love. He certainly felt more appreciated and much safer with her than he did with his wife.

    After reading Mark’s side of the story, how do you think this couple could have communicated differently?
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    After the Honeymoon

    April 9, 2009 at 12:43 pm · Filed under communication, relationships and tagged: , ,

    by Dr. Debi Smith

    After 14 years of marriage, Mark and Cathy have separated. Mark is having an affair. Cathy is miserable and doesn’t know what to do. She’s tried so hard to make her marriage work and, through her tears, she wonders where things went so terribly wrong.

    She doesn’t remember it now. It happened so long ago, just after she and Mark returned from their amazing honeymoon in Paris. They’d had a wonderful first day in their new home. Late that evening, Cathy brushed her teeth and walked into their bedroom where Mark was sitting in bed, flipping through channels on the TV and crunching pretzels. Cathy was still exhausted from the trip. She yawned and crawled between the covers, hoping Mark would get the hint and turn off the TV. He didn’t.

    “Mark,” she said firmly. “I’m tired. It’s late and it’s time to turn off the television and go to sleep.”

    She got no response, so she tried again. “Mark, I can’t go to sleep with the TV on and you crunching pretzels! We both need to get some rest so we can get up for work tomorrow, so stop with the pretzels already and please turn off that stupid television. ”

    Still no response.

    Cathy was getting more and more frustrated, so she sat up in bed. “Mark! Are you listening to me?”

    Still nothing. No matter what she said, he just kept on crunching and flipping. In exasperation, she got up, put on her robe, grabbed her pillow, and went into the living room. She thought that would surely make him aware of how much his behavior was bothering her. She waited for him to come in and apologize. He never did.

    It seems like a simple thing, but it was the first sign of a negative pattern of interactions that, unaddressed, would increase in intensity over the years. Cathy would make a comment or ask for something, and Mark would feel criticized and freeze. Eventually, Cathy gave up trying.

    In the beginning, Cathy was what psychologists call “the pursuer” and Mark was “the withdrawer.” By the time they separated, both had withdrawn from each other.

    Could they have done anything differently? Can they now? What do you think?
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    Improve Your Couple Communication

    April 9, 2009 at 3:11 am · Filed under communication, relationships and tagged: ,

    by Dr. Debi Smith

    Research* shows that you should be getting a positive response from your mate about 86% of the time. If you want to get more positive responses (even when you’re arguing), here are a six things you’ll want to avoid:

    1. Harsh comments: When your bids for your partner’s attention start with a harsh comment, there’s a 94% chance you will NOT get a positive response!
    2. Criticism: You know when you’re criticizing. At other times, you may be engaged in playful sarcasm. Even though you may be joking, it’s usually not a good idea to launch an attack on your partner by questioning his or her character, intelligence, and/or abilities — especially in front of friends and family.
    3. Generalized statements: Such as “You never …,” “You always …,” or “What’s wrong with you?”
    4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing and/or refusing to respond to your partner when you’re hurt definitely won’t get you anywhere.
    5. Defensiveness: Assuming your partner is going to be critical from the start can set you up for reactively attacking in self-protection. Realize that not everything he or she says is meant at an attack. Your partner may be trying to tell you something important, but just be really bad at letting you know what he or she needs or wants. Be patient. (More on that later.)
    6. Contempt: This one is particularly toxic. Couples who show contempt for one another — either verbally or nonverbally — rarely get the love they want.

    * conducted by Dr. John Gottman
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    Do you avoid deep conversations?

    April 8, 2009 at 4:34 pm · Filed under communication, relationships and tagged: , ,

    by Dr. Debi Smith

    We all have them in our life: People we can’t trust. People who just don’t get us. They tell us they want to know what we’re thinking. They may encourage us — even beg us — to talk, saying they really want to know what’s behind our silence. Then when we do start sharing, they immediately begin to criticize, judge, put down, or ignore some of our thoughts and feelings. In short, they’re not Safe People.

    Your thoughts and feelings are precious, sacred. They belong to you and are part of who you are. And they deserve respect. Cherish them. Jesus put it this way,

    Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces ~ Matthew 7:6

    So do you avoid telling your partner what you really think or feel? Nearly half of those who have taken the Couples Quiz answered “yes” to this question. Was your partner one of them?

    What do you do when someone you love says something you disagree with?
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    Forgiveness

    April 7, 2009 at 9:56 pm · Filed under forgiveness, relationships and tagged: ,

    by Dr. Debi Smith

    Forgiveness is often misunderstood in conservative circles. During the past decade or so, Christian psychologists have studied forgiveness from both theological and psychological perspectives. Most would agree that forgiveness is not only a theological decision, but also a psychological process with a number of distinct stages that have been compared to stages of the grieving process.

    We tend to layer our feelings as a means of self-protection from additional harm, and forgiveness is frequently a process of “working through” these layers. For some, forgiveness is accomplished through the spiritual disciplines (prayer, meditation, solitude, etc.). For others, it may require work with a professional Christian counselor who not only understands how difficult forgiveness can be, but who also knows how to get them “unstuck” and moving forward in the process. Both require the intimate guidance of the Holy Spirit.

    God has also given us the ability to remember as a means of self-protection (e.g., when we touch a hot stove and get burned, we remember not to touch it again). However, remembering has a “flip side” as well, in that we often need to work through the forgiveness process multiple times. Be encouraged: It does get easier and less painful, especially as you grow in understanding the process. Dr. Louis Smedes (1996; Fuller Theological Seminary) wrote a very readable book (available in paperback) on this topic: Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve.

    Anyone struggling with unforgiveness needs (and deserves) someone to help them work through this very painful process. If you’re feeling stuck and would like to schedule a confidential appointment, please call 714-865-2164.

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